soulbriety

At first sight, this probably feels like gaslighting, right? “Oh, it was just an accident.” or “You’re so sensitive. It was just a joke.” These are things many of us have heard after being hurt and they’re attempts to excuse poor behavior or cop out of responsibility for how our actions have hurt someone else. But, if we break down the language, we are left with defenses of an injured ego… these are maladaptive coping strategies created way back when that first threat was too difficult to bear. So, in the moment, do they mean to hurt you. Probably… but only because they themselves are hurting and don’t know effective ways to process internal or external pain.

Reasons people say or do hurtful things:

1. They’re hurt & inflicting pain they feel onto others in order to make it “fair” (people with unresolved injustice trauma)
2. They’re hurt & inflicting pain in hopes to drive you away before you leave them (people with unresolved abandonment trauma)
3. They’re hurt & feel inflicting pain is only rational/familiar response to conflict (people with unresolved chronic, complex trauma)
4. They’re hurt & feel inflicting pain is the only way to evoke reaction/get noticed (people with unresolved neglect trauma)

So, what is the common denominator between these people? They are hurt due to unresolved trauma. Therefore, it has nothing to do with you. This is an automated response programmed through years of being in fight-or-flight mode, unable to cope with the initial traumatic event.

Of course, this does not excuse the behavior, but if we can recognize the underlying intention, we realize it is not personal and can remove ourselves from the equation, and better navigate conflict resolution. When someone hurts me with words or behavior, I ask myself, “Where is this coming from?” If you know the person intimately, you likely know their story and can infer as to why they might use certain coping strategies.

This does not mean that if someone hurts you, they are off the hook. But it does mean that in the best interest of the relationship, we should make efforts to plant a seed of awareness. This could sound like: “I do not tolerate being talked to like that, but feel you may be hurting me in an attempt to ________ (feel connected, match your hurt feelings, etc). Do you feel like this might be true?” Find out what they are fearing in the moment, what triggers them, and encourage them to explore why. When we approach emotional situations with empathy, the person feels supported and can set their ego aside to take a look inward. They also are reassured that this repair is collaborative. It is a reminder that it is you two against the behavior, not you two against each other. Most people have never been offered healthy conflict resolution, so you may be pleasantly surprised at how quickly they own up to their actions and sincerely apologize.

Another huge benefit to this method is that it helps you to set clear boundaries. You’re acknowledging their internal pain, but also stating that it is not acceptable to take it out on you, and that you will not tolerate it. Now that you are both aware of the ineffective coping, there is not an excuse to continue using it.

Remember: you can be happy, or you can be right. If your main goal is to be right, you may want to address your own injustice trauma and begin the healing process. Your goal should be mutual understanding and peace.

Knowing where defenses stem from may not be an excuse, but it is an explanation and powerful information on where healing is needed. When we recognize a trauma response, we are able to look objectively at the behavior and eradicate it with grace and empathy. Showing this kind of care toward the person who caused you pain will boomerang back to you, and 9 times out of 10, they’re defensive fire will subside, making it easier for them to see your side.

If the person refuses to reflect inward, this may indicate two things: either they are simply not ready and need to emotionally regulate before diving into this process, or possibly you may need to detach from them all together if they are not going to participate in healthy relationship dynamics. This is a very personal choice that no one can make for you, although working with a counselor or coach could make navigating this easier.

If you have any questions, feel free to message me on Instagram and know that you are already farther than you think.

Sending so much love & light to all of your relationships!